When my worst fear came true

Growing up I loved playing with dolls, dressing them, taking them on walks, cuddling them, and pretending to feed them (I even used to shove pillows up my top and pretended to be pregnant). Even more so, I loved when people I knew had babies because it meant that I could cuddle and play with a real baby.

I knew from such a young age; I was born to be a mum. I loved my little cousins so much, when I met my youngest cousin, I was at an age where I could hold her, play with her, even dress her, and it became one of my fondest memories… I still think of her as my “baby” cousin even though she is a teenager now, and I think I will always have an extra protective nature for her.

As I got older, I learned that not everyone can get pregnant, or that for some people it is extremely difficult to get pregnant.I became afraid that this may happen to me.Little did I know, it would happen to me.

A few years ago, I noticed signs that possibly something wasn’t quite right but up until recently, I didn’t do anything about it. I was losing hair, putting on weight despite regular exercise and a healthy(ish) diet, I was constantly bloated, and I was having around 4 periods a year rather than 12 and when I had them, they were extremely painful.

I put it off and put it off, until just recently.

I went to the doctors concerning something completely unrelated to these symptoms, but when I was there, I told them about my periods because I wondered whether it was linked.

It was then that my doctor asked me to remove my mask to look at my skin, which led to me telling her the other symptoms and she told me that I may need to get checked because it sounded like polycystic ovary syndrome.

So, a few days later I went for an ultrasound, and I was so nervous. It hurt so much, and I was so close to tears because something inside me knew something wasn’t right.

Low and behold, I have polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS).

After the doctor had briefly mentioned it, I knew a little about it because of already having a chronic illness, I know people in the PCOS community, but I looked it up and pieces of the puzzle that I had been looking for all this time slowly started to come into sight.

Reading the words “Fertility issues” and “higher chance of infertility” brought so much anxiety onto me.

This was literally my worst fear.

I was born to be a mum… so why was it becoming so difficult for me?

I am nowhere near a place in my life where I am considering having children, but I always knew one day I would. Although science is amazing and there is options, including adoption, I have quite literally felt my entire world crash down on me the past couple of days. When I got my results, I broke down.

• Higher risk of infertitility
• Higher risk of diabetes
• High risk of cancer's

All I could hear were these words screaming at me and I couldn’t breathe. I almost feel like I am grieving… grieving a body that I could trust and felt like it would not betray me.

I am still processing it all, I know there will be a day when I realise that I am okay, and that it’s not life-threatening, and that high risk doesn’t mean that it is certain… But right now, I am feeling it all.

Faithfully, Gracie xx