Valleys and Mountain tops alike.

 So, I have always been someone who likes starting at the very beginning, But for some reason today my heart beats otherwise.  I am almost aching in every part of my body to just jump deep into the very end of it all. To start with the part that highlights the number of pieces my heart is broken into. The part where the cup I look at is half empty and successfully failing to fill up. I want to start with rock bottom, the place I have been frequenting of late because I am such an intensely awake woman. I want to start with the headache that never goes away. The burnt-out mom, who seems to have repurposed the fire to feed the needs of those who come from her. I want to start with the me that is buffering, slowly waking up to what is real in a faithless world and how forgetting that I am of God can create an illusion of being in some kind of hell. This is the me I am starting with. The human me. The woman, who was once a girl in love with naivety and thrived on promises made by figures who never really understood that heaven is for real.  I want you to know that is the woman I am. Bits and pieces puzzled by a creator who knows the plans He has for me. Scattered in my quest to complete the picture He destined me to be throughout the many war zones that one finds one at the center of.

I am Beatrice. I am still Beatrice, a bringer of joy, Pro-Zoe, a mother to warrior royalty whose existence inspires the kind of bravery that I imagined I would be able to channel all on my own when I needed it the most. I am a dreamer, a boat without a sail, the anchor to which is too light to ground me. I am complex, deeply bruised, and overwhelmed by the pace of the world I find myself in but most importantly, I am alive! Awake to the self-sufficient energy that carries my person through the madness of this world. Driven by a purpose, the sound of which echoes straight into and through the tunnels of darkness that seek to deceive me. 

Starting with this version of me is somewhat subconsciously intentional. I am out to shed light on the myth and dispel the illusion that rock bottom is lonely. I want to share how A father's promises remain debts fully paid by divine grace and unconditional love. I want to share how despite the bits and pieces that I felt break, I also felt a becoming, the sort that can only be defined by something that is not of this world. Beyond the darkness of the scenarios and circumstances that I have felt define my person in this season, I am experiencing light and fire, the flames which makes my heart feel like pieces of gold melted down to be refined for a new season. 

I remember who I am, perhaps not all the time but in the times that matter the most. In the times when I can feel my breathing change and my heart beat deep inside my ears. When my head fails to make sense, I remember who I am. 

And I would like to invite you, to challenge you to answer the kind of questions that makes you wonder, that makes you feel any kind of way that questions your core, the part of you that sustains you. Would the valleys mean to you as much as the mountain tops?  I dare you to ask yourself, Are you Pro-Zoe despite the shape of the world that you live in? 

As always shared with #BigLove

(Post originally published on therealprozoe.blogpost.com)