The Importance of Relational Support

Movements in life challenge all of us depending on our state of internal resilience. By resilience, I refer to the perception or reality of resources exceeding stressors. We will all move through phases where our stressors will exceed our internal and external resources.

Movements such as the end of a relationship, death, transiting through jobs and countries, among others, usher it’s share of intensity and overwhelming. One of the needs that has to be met is centering through grounded presence. The need to feel safe here now and this need can only be met in company of fellow humans.

Needing and wanting to be surrounded by people is a healthy response to our day-to-day life especially in challenging moments. Our nervous system needs support and this support comes from another human. We call this relational support.

I see amazing women and men struggling to make it through on their own. The dis-serving beliefs that “I am to make it on my own. I have to make it on my own. And if I need someone to lean on, then something is wrong with me!”

When do we reach out for support?

We have never been on our own. We have been surrounded from the beginning of our lives. Learning to manage one’s emotions, thoughts and states comes from internal resilience and this resilience can be learned, built, enhanced and maintained throughout our lives. Resilience is built in the company of other nervous systems, other fellow humans and our pets. The brain is rewired in the company of other nervous systems.

We speak so much of individualism yet we are failing at seeing the importance of our nervous system in each other’s lives.

As you read through my words, you are also reading through my nervous system state here and now. When I facilitate my sessions, whether I am coaching or teaching a yoga class, I am aware of how my presence, my nervous system, my breathing and my unspoken beliefs can either create a safe space for myself and others or create unsafety.

The process of state management starts with managing our states in the company of another grounded presence that help us digest the intensity of our experience. This process happens daily unconsciously and we are many to have awareness that this person or those persons “make me feel grounded, calm, centered, gathered and I see clearer.”

In coaching and in other related practices, practitioners use tools in supporting seekers, learners and clients to manage their states without necessarily making mention of same.

In my work as a coach , a facilitator and a yoga teacher, I am humbled with the essence of how we humans are crucial in each other’s lives. I keep learning how my presence impacts others and how others impact my nervous system.

This movement is called neuroception, a term coined by Dr. Stephen Porges. It is beyond the intellect and the grasp of our prefrontal cortex. The intelligence of our nervous system in reading cues of safety, danger, groundedness, centeredness and much more. When we step up to support another person to digest the intensity of that which he/she is experiencing, we are in truth helping that person to regulate their internal state from the core of our nervous system. This act is called relational support beyond our ideas of wrong or right, but being present for being present and not rushing through the other to shift state. In this essence, a relational environment is crucial for all of us especially through navigating through the waves of rising trauma and challenges.

To surrender to the truth that we need each other is what eases life.

To give in to the need of being held, embraced, met, heard and received by and through someone else is what offers us possibilities of expansion.

To bow down to the meeting, greeting and dancing of our nervous system is what ushers spaces for resilience.

May I, You and Us soften in the meeting of each other.

May I, You and Us soften in the company of each other

May May I, You and Us soften and hear the intelligence of our nervous system and bodies.