Still Leanring (2)

I am rewriting this because I deleted the first one after my mom helped me baby step through my feeling and emotions. I don't feel good about it so I am trying again.
I cry at this posting and can't hold my head up. To what I see? What? I ask myself.
I just can't. I mean, what is there to talk about?
It's all irrelevant I tell myself. \"Just deal with it\" would be words to my attitude.
When talking about other people I can on and on about how great there are. I talk about myself and I don't know what to say. I just stop, move on. Running away, one can say.
I mean, does it really matter? Talking about myself, writing about myself, no, I say. It doesn't matter.
What I can I even write?
Telling myself all these years \"It didn't matter\" all of these years, and for what? Who was I supporting? What was I even doing? What does it mean that you look at the screen and can't even hold your your head? What I am running from?
What am I supposed to care that would be of interest for hours.
Me, I listen to hours of what other people have to say. I am my families confidant, someone they can talk to and unload themselves, I (like) think. I hate sharing myself, my experiences, my emotions. It all comes down to irrelevant, don't you think? I know what I feel, so let's just move on already...let's just move on.
I write inside my diary. i got almost 6 books and non of them mean a thing. I can give things away so easy, I don't deserve them.
Some days I feel I can take the world on and some days are like this, I am sitting in front of the computer crying silently wondering what to say, what would be \"of use\". \"Of Use\", those words haunt my life.
I am afraid of being useless. I am afraid of sitting here and sharing myself for reasons I cannot explain I am afraid of showing myself for fear the world will turn me away.
I don't know. I just want it to come down to \"don't think of me. Let's just sit here talking. I'll get you what you want. Let's just sit here talking.\"

I guess it is two worlds colliding, myself I taught myself to be, and then the \"real\" me trying to come out. I don't want to have to play you. I just want to sit here and be take it easy. (No! We have to do something or else you are worthless!) Why can't we just take it easy? Life doesn't have to be so hard? (Because we can't! Because you just have to!)

It all seems so silly, but they are colossal battles going on inside that I have to face. I am taking everyone's time, everyone's space. I don't want to hurt you, but I have to let it out. I know how hard you work. I do. But, I just want to talk to someone without being a bore...
There is so much to say but I have already said so much, save it for another day.
Thanks for reading.