Self Help tools

Growing up in a dysfunctional family leads to a dysfunctional life. From which some of us take years/decades to undo. Where and when does one learn compassion, humbleness, tenderness, gentle, kind behaviors when not present in one's life as growing up. 

Alcohol, Rage, Womanizing and wife abusing father, Mother who stayed

Credit to my father for protecting me from my older brother.

Of course i picked up arrogance and lack of sensitivity to others feelings. Running after relationships that turned abusive. Cycles of verbally abusive relationships. addicts of drugs or alcohol. 

Ironically, in order to stay in the most abusive relationship the requirement was that I attend Al Anon, a 12 step support program for family and friends of alcoholics. She wasn't an alcoholic, she was addicted to cannabis. She had also been incested by her father, grandfather and uncles. 

I feel like the 12 steps are the basics of spiritual practice. 

I attended weekly support groups for about 7 years. When i finally cut the cord to that relationship I discovered other 12 step programs.

Love addiction, Sex addiction, Drug addiction, 

In The Four-Fold Way by Angeles Arrien she describes four universal/global types of addictions.

There is also addiction to:

a focus on "what is not working" instead of what is working.

addiction to intensity (sex, drugs, lust).

addiction to perfection. perfection does not tolerate mistakes

Addiction to "the need to know". Masters of control and strong trust issues. 

Another tool beyond the 12 step resources that i live by is Don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements: 

Be Impeccable with one's words

Do not make any assumptions

Do not take anything personally

Always do your best

So, back to the Four-Fold Way. It is walking a balanced path with four legs, based on archetypes. The warrior, visionary, teacher, healer.

a warrior SHOWS UP/chooses to be present

the healer pays attention to what has heart and meaning

the visionary tells the truth without blame or judgement

the teacher is open to outcomes, not attached to outcomes.

Well goodness, i am so glad i thought to write this, because i really need to renew my commitments to this path.

Ah, the other truly helpful was becoming a dance leader for Dances of Universal Peace!!!