Pandemic Blues

Just few months ahead the news about COVID-19 started spreading in media and around, I was lying down in a beach with my lover, having deep conversations with new kind of friends, exploring new rides and  living my final semester to the fullest.

The month of March was so tough for making choices, whether to stay or to go, whether to be at the moment or to think about future. Well, I chose my first instinct and that was to leave Thailand as my final semester was coming to an end and at the same the COVID-19 news were giving me panic attacks, which led me to decide that I need to return home for my well-being. Anyhow in May I had to return Nepal after graduation, but March seemed too early. It seemed too early to bid goodbye to my independence, freedom and memories stuck with this place. 

This time I was not returning home for a summer holiday or winter break, I was returning for settling, finding new adjustments and to be precise, it felt like returning back to reality. As always being back to home felt a bit overwhelming, but as the day passed by, I started losing track of myself. I was not the same \"Motivated and Independent Melissa\", rather I was turning into \"Lazy, Anxious and Confused Melissa\". 

Being back home felt like being back to safe space with a little roof at the same time being back to responsibilities and duties. I wanted to have a 3 month trip for meditation and isolation after graduation, but due to this pandemic, I feared travelling anywhere. Hence, I tried meditating indoors but it was not that helpful. Likewise, after graduation, I wanted to focus the early 3 months in self care, gym and keeping my body image perfect. Phew! I tried to make it consistent, but failed at it too. So nothing has been going according to how I wanted my May-June and July to go. I feel so weird about how I am planning my life with agendas. I am assuming this personality is coming from the experiences of me living abroad for 6 years of my life, where I always worked according to short term and long term plans. 

At this point, I just feel clueless. None of the places, where I have applied for vacancies have responded. Or maybe, I just dont feel like applying sometimes. Deadlines freak me out. I just feel like attaching the CV and submitting applications, just for the sake of telling my mind that I did apply. I am not giving proper attention to this important part of my life, where I have to apply for my first job. I am just feeling more and more anxious day by day.

I just don't know when will I stop feeling this way! I NEED A BREAK FROM THESE PANDEMIC BLUES.