OUTSIDE THE NORMAL

OUTSIDE THE NORMAL

Where I come from, girls were made to be certain that way “ the normal way”.

When I was 5, I was so bold, they called me the stubborn and talkative child. For when all the other children where afraid of adults I spoke up.

My mother, would show her disapproval of my noisy nature. She complained I was to curious and how girls were not allowed to be that way.

As the months went by I decided to talk less, and played with the boys. Playing with the boys was fun and there was also exciting games, little me didn’t know genders should not be mixed.

My auntie told my mother that if they are not careful such a wild child will end up pregnant before high school.

My mother took me to church, in her words “there was a spirit in me that needed to be tamed”.

The pastor told I should to be loving, quiet and mild like Christ. I obeyed and tried to please everyone around me, as I grew older everyone complained I was too chicken-hearted.

As I got turned a teenager I desperately wanted to be heard, so I became a troublemaker.

As usual the cane wasn’t speared, I was flogged till I had blisters “ that was the way make a child change“.

At 15, I became the in-cast, lost my voice, and being an introvert seemed like a personality disorder.

My goal was to please my parents, and it wasn't long until I became the “people’s pleaser”. I wasn’t allowed to make mistakes; everything was linked to spirituality. At 18, I did not feel accepted at home, so I settled for whatever the street offered. I settled for bread crumbs, I settled for Margot-meat, and Side chick positions. My self-esteem was damaged, and I literally saw the world crashing at my feet.

At 19, every drop of blood in me was screaming for me to let it out.

I covered my wounds with lines of motivation, I kept saying I was fine, I can handle it, I am a boss lady, I am strong.

None of them worked, I kept losing weight and looking sad. I felt the need to speak, I talk to my bother with tears in my eyes I told “ I feel like am dying, I’m depressed”. He smiled and said, “ you’ll be fine because we all are depressed in this part of the world depression is normal.

So I suppressed it, struggled till depression became my normal. At this age, I’ve realized that like many other kids, I wasn’t stubborn, I just had a mind of my own.

Being loving is not a weakness, the way people should react to the energy you give is not to be determined by you. If only my parents knew that I was child, a different human with an individual mindset not someone’s assets or property.

Lastly healing is hard but is possible, it was difficult but I chose to heal because I need myself and an energy that is broken stinks so bad that it can hurt people.

If depression is normal in my society then, I’m perfectly okay being “OUTSIDE THE NORMAL”.