NIGERIA: Shining a Light on Widows’ Grief and Unfulfilled Dreams

After supporting her mother through widowhood, Ruth Okoirhon calls for widows’ recognition and support.

Society doesn’t talk about widows’ silent grief and loneliness. We fail to see their financial challenges and regrets. –Ruth Okoirhon

My mother became a widow in August 2021 after my father died, a death I still grapple to accept. He was a good father and man. I replay his eulogies in my head. 

My mother shared 44 years with my father. She married in her early twenties, which was the norm for my region. Women married early to give birth, raise children, and care for the home. It was taboo for them to pursue other desires. 

Before my father died, I often met widows as a development professional focused on gender rights and capacity development. Our conversations made me sense their loneliness, grief, and unmet needs. These women had unfulfilled dreams that felt difficult to achieve.

They served their families as dutiful wives. Some of them did not go beyond primary education. Interestingly, their reality differed from their imagined careers.

Some lost their husbands early in the marriage and endured untold gender-based violence until their children came of age to defend them. Many agreed to become full-time housewives with the understanding their husbands would support them financially. This mutual agreement backfired when their husbands died, leaving them without financial resources or knowledge. Some said their in-laws treated them poorly while their husbands were alive and became harsher after they died.

Widows struggle to begin anew. They often lack academic or professional qualifications, funds, and support systems. They may also face ageism, cultural and religious barriers, emotional and psychological challenges, and other gender-based limitations.

No woman goes into a marriage prepared for widowhood. Emotions don’t allow them to have hard conversations, asking whether they are well-equipped to face life alone when their significant other dies. But death is inevitable.

In my mother’s case, I realized I had to step up with additional support to make her comfortable, even if it wouldn't fill the vacuum my father’s death caused. I visit her as often as possible, communicate with her constantly on the phone, and take her to the hospital for routine checkups. My siblings and I do our best to keep her happy and engaged.

Realizing that my mother still nursed unrealized ambitions in her sixties was revelatory. I recall her saying she dreamed of becoming a teacher before marrying. She also wanted to become a seamstress at one point; before she became pregnant. Instead, she became a great wife and mother, and her dreams took a back seat. Don’t get me wrong, this is not a bad outcome, but the focus of my story is unfulfilled dreams. 

My mother eventually ran a business that supplied food and other household items for many years, tapping into her entrepreneurial skill. Now, her children are all grown up and chasing their goals. The man she loved has died while she is a grandmother trying to figure out her next plan.

I suspect she has some regrets, even if she wouldn't openly admit them. She says her most prized possession is her family, and she wouldn't trade them for anything. This is comforting, but it didn't stop me from asking her, "Looking back, would you say you are happy with how your life turned out?” – a question I often ask widows. She admitted that she regretted not becoming a teacher.

Society doesn’t talk about widows’ silent grief and loneliness. We fail to see their financial challenges and regrets. Do we pay attention to their challenges and needs, especially the ones they struggle to verbalize? Do we acknowledge that widows exist?

Somehow, people just assume widows survive. International Widows’ Day is not enough to address widows' challenges. This is another marginalized group whose issues should be on the front burner.

You can take action by advocating for widows’ rights and calling the government’s attention to their needs. Donate to organizations that cater to widows and children, help those treated unjustly to seek legal redress, and support their children’s education. 

Additionally, push for policies that consider their rights, especially if you have access to the legislative arm of government. Push for the eradication of harmful cultural practices against widows. Inclusive policies for widows are necessary in every culture and country. Let us wield our power positively, shine a light on widows’ varying challenges, and take the necessary actions to alleviate them.

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