My Story: Like a Phoenix Rising from the Ashes

A few years ago, I suffered from a complete depressive, bipolar breakdown and did not even know it. I learned months later that it was early onset of menopause. My body was craving things it was not getting, my hair was falling out, and I truly thought I was going mad. During my life, I never allowed myself the luxury of slowing down. While I was pregnant, my husband made it very well known that pregnancy was not a disease and he expected me to do anything that he needed or wanted me to do, I never had a chance to cry, or scream, or go out with the girls. I was too busy working and keeping my mind focused. But, one day, something inside of me snapped. My inner dragon screamed to get out. Everything was coming to the surface, I was angry, I was sad, I wanted to be with friends, the social person I had once been was yelling and roaring to be what I was now.

To me when I look at this, I still feel like I should not be telling this to anyone. I feel like there are so many others with real world solutions and that I am just whining. But, it was so very real to me. I looked in the mirror and saw someone that I did not know. Someone that seemed old, and overly focused on work. Suddenly, the inner dragon took over. I began to exercise, to lose weight, and something I had not done in years, I began to spend money on myself. I did my hair, and my nails, I bought cute outfits with money I had earned. I look back now and I feel that I was so selfish during those times. I still feel guilty for allowing myself these pleasures. At that time is when I began to see people noticing me. Complimenting me, which I could not remember the last time anyone ever did that. It felt amazing. That power took hold and wrapped around me. Grabbed at my legs and began to pull me down in a whirlpool. I became someone else.

When my husband gave me an ultimatum of either I stop doing what I was doing or he would take the kids from me, I realized that I could never truly escape and that my beautiful family was more important to me than anything else in the world. I began seeking out and reaching for comfort. I turned to as many depression sites that I could, but none of them gave me any comfort. I was on medications for depression, anxiety and many vitamins for menopause, but I needed voices I needed comfort.

PulseWire gave me that comfort. Here there was a group of women, strong beautiful women that had voices. Everyone had been through trials of their own and yet we can all meet here and chat for a brief moment. Reading all of the other stories inspired me. Brought me to a much better place.

My stories seem to pale in comparison to many I read here, everyone is so talented. But, my voice is heard. I have a few women friends now. I am so blessed to have stumbled upon this site. If not for this, I may not have made it through my darkest fog.

Missyann Rose