Looking Back

I love that it feels like a different part of my life, almost, those days when I was desperately wanting to be free. I know it took a long time for this feeling to come and I often don't feel I am 'quite there' yet. I think part of the reason I was taking a look back was I wanted to make sure I am heading in the right direction. If you read my one journal entry called 'The Straight and Narrow Path, part 1' you will see what some of these thoughts are. It is this feeling of being 'stuck' somehow still, where I worry I am not smart enough to figure out what went so wrong with my life before.

I think part of what is so healing for me is I can see my daughters starting to feel more confident about themselves. We were talking the other night about stuff and one said where she catches herself being very happy about life and treasures that feeling. I have tried to teach them to focus on the good and to be positive about things. In a strange way, I think writing in this journal here has done a lot for us. I think it was reading one comment where the lady mentioned how 'healing' writing was for me and how that idea helped change the feelings inside me.

Sometimes it felt like my own wounds (emotionally speaking) were not as important as helping my daughters. It makes me smile to think of another friend on a different forum who had said what message are you sending your daughters by this. I often feel like the world's biggest fool so doubt anyone would look to me for strength. It made me realize the bonds of love that exist though. I remember my mother often felt this same way about herself, too. I remember my love for her was unconditional, she did not need to be perfect for me. I guess my daughters feel the same way about me.

I think we sometimes try very hard when we strive to make this huge change in our life and don't count the distance we have come since we feel we have so far to go yet. I was thinking about it and came up with an image of it so thought I would try to describe it. When you are fleeing something or someone you often look back over your shoulder as you are racing the other way. That fear that you will look back and see a hand about to grab your shoulder and pull you back to where you don't want to be anymore. When you start to feel more secure about yourself you look back over your shoulder less and less as that 'scared' feeling starts going away. Then you get to a place where you feel you can stop and rest awhile in safety and catch your breath.

I think the old images we have of this place is where we come to a sort of crossroads and you can pick where you go next. I think we need to change that image though. I think if we take the time to take a good long look back to where we were, do it without fear or self-loathing about it, we will see something different. Like my image of the maze and how I always found myself back at the start of it, I think taking the time for reflection about everything will help us see things differently. Where I always thought I was back at the beginning again, when I stop and look back at where I have been I see that I am actually at the 'end' point of the maze. How it looks the same because I am still me and that has not changed.

I think we can see the lady standing there as our heart or our soul and realize 'she' has always been there for us when we needed her desperately. I think I have mentioned before about the Snow Leopard animal spirit and how she walks with me and I think maybe this is why. Trying to understand and believe in myself is something I really need to work on, I know this. I think it helps greatly though to stop and realize that my 'strength' through all of this is the power of my heart and mind like my mother once told me. Sure, I made mistakes a long the way, we all do, but what a nice feeling it is to know that someone as caring and kind as myself truly cares about me and what happens to me along the way...