Light on their plight: A possible way out of GBV!

Excepts from  the book Light on their plight: A possible way out of domestic violence! 

 Most victims lacked the courage to step out of abusive relationships primarily for fear of what people would say. In some cases as well, the victims have invested so much time, effort and finances to make the relationship work that they keep asking themselves ‘where they will start from if they left now, after so many years?’ Some victims were also under the illusion that if they stayed in the abusive relationship, continued to be nice and interceded for the abuser, it is possible that they could change for the better. Also, there were cases where the abused would even deny glaring evidence of domestic violence, tell lies to cover up and make excuses in order not to make a bad situation worse, or in a bid to ‘protect’ the abuser’s image and integrity. Also, the fear of sanctions that could follow one who was separated from their spouse from the church, place of work, family gatherings, groups of friends and cultural associations further weakened the zeal to ‘flee to safety.’ Another reason why some victims feel trapped is the fact they felt it was better to endure the violence for the sake of the children. In some rare cases, the abusers had used ‘charms, enchantments and other mystical powers’ to keep the victims under their manipulation and total control. In some other cases, the abusers knew the abused weak point and used it to their advantage. For instance they were very caring in public, always sweet talked the victim after an abusive session, bought them expensive gifts to blindfold them and were always quick to put pictures of ‘a happy family’ on social media. This was done in a bid to give the watching world the impression that all was rosy at home. Sometimes, the abusers had a sense of ownership of their victims. This was particularly the case if the abusers felt like they were doing the abused a favour by paying their bride price. The situation was usually worsened if the abuser was aware that no one in the abused’s family could be daring enough to stand up to them, fight back or even do anything concrete to get their relative out of the abuser’s drag net. I saw them nod, look at each other and take down notes as I expressed my opinion.

How did domestic violence manifest itself in the Mandara region? was the next question.  Many people focused on the physical side of domestic violence, wherein the victim was actually beaten, but there were more sides to the picture. The commonest of such were instances whereby, the abuser would forbid the abused from working because they did not want the abused to be seen by the other people who might be interested in them. At times, the abuser would allow the abused to work, but seize the salary as soon as it is paid, leaving the abuser with nothing to live on. In most cases, the abuser would alienate the abused from friends and family to ensure that their misdeeds are concealed and also that the abused would not get help promptly. Sometimes out of share jealousy, the abuser could suppress the abused’s talent, skill and potential by preventing the abused from using their gift; or exploit their talents by spelling out the terms and conditions of the use of the talents. They could even usurp all the benefits emanating from the use of the abused’s talents. Often times, the abusers ‘brain wash’ the victims with lies and threats that break their self-esteem and willingness to find a way out of the cage. Abusers could also unteach the children with ‘illusions of how right it is to abuse victims.’ Then came a third question.

The third question focused on my proposal of a feasible way out of domestic violence in the Mandara region precisely. In my opinion possible solutions could be grouped into two parts namely: internal measures and external measures. Internal measures included making the abusers to see the wrong in their actions and seek spiritual, medical and therapeutic help promptly. Internal help also meant making the abused willing to make an effort to run to safety first where they could continue to pray and hope for a change, as they worked things out in safety. Also the abused had to see the need to expose the abuser, not in a bid to injure their personality or integrity, but to ease access to a concrete solution. This was especially because ‘a problem shared with the right people, at the right time is half solved.’ Moreover, it was imperative to consider from within that the children you are trying to save by staying in bondage are actually going through much trauma with all that they observe at home; trauma which could make them abusers or people who condone abuse in their adulthood.

As far as external help was concerned, the government, the religious bodies, the cooperate world, families, neighbours and friends had an effective role to play to get the abused out of their shackles. At this point I recounted a short story of how a friend of mine had gotten her child set for an outing. While she let him watch television as she prepared herself for the outing, the kid took the bottle of rubbing oil which she had forgotten on the table and began to rub on his clothes, hair and on the wall. When my friend returned to the living room, she was taken aback by the sight. After disciplining the child and changing his clothes, she left the bottle of rubbing oil on the cupboard for this reason; ‘each time he misbehaved and saw the bottle of rubbing oil, he will remember the punishment he got and immediately adjust.’ They all laughed as I proceeded to explain that, in the same way the government could set an example on some notorious, chronic and unrepentant abusers for the world to see. So that, they would serve ‘as the rubbing oil bottle’ to any abuser who wants to abuse their victims in any way. Their laughter prompted me to recount another story, still in line with how external help could come even from the abused’s family members. I narrated a story of how a chronic abuser was in the habit of bribing the victim’s older siblings with ‘soya’ and cold beer each time he got their sister well beaten and ran to them for safety. This went on for a while until one day when the youngest sibling, who was even younger than the abused came home for holidays and witnessed his in- law beat his sister to pulp. He got so furious that he rallied his friends to administer the same dose of beating to the abuser and pack his sister’s stuff out of his home. Funny enough, the chronic abuser was badly beaten to a point where he was admitted in the hospital. Upon recovery, he tried to bribe the youngest sibling in vain. The youngest sibling’s conditions were simple; that he signed an undertaking at the police station never to ‘raise a finger’ at his wife and to open her the sewing workshop he had promised her since they got married. After several months of begging in vain, the undertaking was signed, the sewing workshop opened and the wife officially taken back to a home that was more peaceful than she left it. ‘Different strokes fell different kinds of trees’, I said as some of them smiled at the thought of giving the abuser ‘a taste of their own medicine’. I added that this method could work for some, but not for others, hence the need to understand the dynamics before making any move.

In addition to what the government and family could do, religious organisations could obtain legal authorisations to rescue victims in ‘life threatening situations’ as well as suspend or sanction the abusive members during the time when they seek help, to deter others from following their bad example. Employers could also suspend or reduce abuser’s salaries and allowances for a while in a bid to sanction abusers and also channel funds into paying for therapy and counselling session fees. More so, counsellors, neighbours, friends and family should consider it their social responsibility to effectively and practically assist the abused victims as much as possible, so that they can be out of harm’s way.

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https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0B1DKJPTQ/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_320QSS1M36NYNG41D50M