I HAVE GOT A SORE THROAT

I seldom go against the grain, in terms of treading the unknown where food is concerned. Back in the days when I was a young boy I used to hear our Home Science teacher tell us about a balanced diet. We didn't give twenty-five cents worth of a care anyway. I think children still don't in this day and age.

There is something I would like to tell you about my Mom's cooking in those days. Let me check first with her. This is going to take a long while.

I can hear the phone ring on the other end

Brrrrrr....
Brrrrr....
Brrrrrr....
Brrrrr....
Brrrrrr....
Brrrrr....
Brrrrrr....
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Brrrrrr....
Brrrrr....

It seems she isn't near the phone. At times I wonder how comes Mom wanted to have a cell phone in the first place. She never seem to want to receive calls on her phone. At times I think of taking the phone's manual and translate it to our mother tongue so she can know how to use it. At times she calls to ask me how one cna make a phone call. I used to get mad until one day my eyes got opened. I learned my number was the only one she had saved in her phone book.

Oh, I remember I was about to tell you aboput my Mom's cooking. Since she isn't picking my call (or can I try one more time?) let me just go on. A balanced diet is made up of three types of food that are supposed to do three things to the body. Everytime I sat down to eat a meal in our house I felt either our teacher was mistaken or we were living in a different world altogether. I thought she was mistaken. I mean, if the math teacher had a problem explaining to a group of us why zero multiplied by any number (however big) equals zero, then I figured out teachers were not bright. I thought they were (allow me to use a word I think is totally feminine) DAFT. Imagine multiplying zero to a million dollars and you get (yes you guessed right) ZERO.

So we would go home where we would eat boiled cassavas, drink cassava porridge and then eat guavas as pudding. We were strong as mules. We never got to know what malnutrition looks like. All we suffered from was a case of heartburn especially in the night. At times (I have lost count of how many times this happened) Mom would cook some slimy vegetable which we ate with sweet potatoes. Many were the nights we spent going outside to diarhea. These are some of the things that have made me to become so careful about what I cook and don't cook at my house.

But today I decided to go against the grain. I decided to tread uncharted grounds. Seeing that our president had promulgated the new constutition, I thought it called for celebration. So I went and bought a bunch of vegetables, an avocado, a banana, tomatoes and chillies. Having arrived back at the house I went to work. Ten minutes later I had my lunch before me. Those who already know how my house looks like, know I had placed the food on an old newspaper on my bed, which I use as a bed and a chair.

Having eaten I left the house to visit a girl I am planning to add to my history of conquests. I went to her salon. There I was (hating soap operas and hearing girls talk about their latest infatuation on the latest soap opera leadign guy) ready top withstand everything in a bid to make a lasting impression on the girl of my dreams. Little did I know that what i had eaten for lunch would let me down.

It so happens that due to the chillies I had eaten at lunch had affacted my throat. So I kept on clearing my throat. It was as if a cockroach was scratching its way out of my adam's apple. I kept clearign my throat. I ended up not making any impression at all.

\"Hey James,\" the girl said. \"Are you okay?\"
\"Yes, why do you ask?\" I asked clearing my throat.
\"You are behaving as if there is a cockcroach stuck in your throat.\"

How did she know this?
Now I am pissed off. I am pissed off at my throat.I am pissed off at not having stuck to the kind of food I am used to, even if it isn't a balanced diet.

\"No, I am okay,\" I say praying for an intervention.

Luckily my phone rung.

\"I have got to go.\"
\"So when do I see you?\"
\"Maybe tomorrow.\"
\"Okay,\" she said, launching into a tirade about the latest leading guy in a soap opera showing on CITIZEN TV.