How can I write what I don't feel?

In an attempt to decipher this crisis that we have in Sudan, I do not feel anything without tears, I feel tired without sympathy, the pain overwhelms me, perhaps the years of isolation and suffering have turned me into a cruel person, with no work or health insurance, divorced who sits with her family at home and despite From some of my family’s attempts to bow down and follow their way, I found that despite my illness, I was stubborn and my desire for independence overwhelmed me more and more.

The events of the dispersal of the sit-in of the General Command, which I do not know how many victims there are and who they are, in addition to the death of my older sister, the teacher, who worked in the education service in compelling circumstances, while she was ill with a feeling of oppression, affected my feelings of guilt and I wonder if it was in my hands to help her And I extended my hand to her after she closed the door in my face again and again, the picture of her situations that I lived with her and she cried with burning with my inability to do anything that did not make me yell, but rather more insistent on punishing whoever was the cause of it

My sister, Iman, was subjected to oppression, tyranny and bullying without logical reasons. Society, especially the woman who was calling for her rights, hated her, which made me review my positions on women's rights, despite the news of rapes and beatings, and I was personally beaten. With the departure of the millions and the processions calling for the civil state in the face of the military, God has written for me a new life every time I was on the line of fire while I watched the revolutionaries injured by bullets and buildings and some became martyrs

All these events are at the heart of the Sudanese revolution and the dreams of a civil state, which were shattered after the October 25 coup, and with the repeated cuts in water and the Internet, I try to find a source of income to meet my basic needs and to provide for these needs I had to borrow and borrow from friends and girlfriends, which I do not understand And I see people around me shopping and the street is crowded with cars and I'm walking alone in the other direction, I don't understand why?!

I want to get out of Sudan despite the insistence of the revolutionaries among the demonstrators to continue the confrontation with the military because of their young age. They are children and adolescents who have the right to live in freedom and dignity, but their families bury them in cemeteries and pray over them and shed tears and I cannot cry with them looking at them Sadly, I don't know why?! And why is this happening to me?!

Most of the time I became silent. I spend my time on social networking sites to follow the news from a mobile that has malfunctions, which makes it hotter, bad internet, a network that does not work as required, and the effective performance with which I can accomplish

The high prices of consumer products and medicines and the daily situations that I encounter when I go out to the street because of harassment and seeing the suffering of people without having my hands on what to offer makes me feel sometimes angry and sometimes indifference, yes I don't care.. I don't care about this unfortunate world that wants to impose He controls me and moves me however he wants... I spit on some despite my hatred for this behavior and smoke cigars in an attempt to overcome all this with all my attempts to quit smoking, my smoking little brother makes me angry and feeling injected I want him to marry and have children and leave me In my current condition, let everyone leave me as I am. I am now 42 years old with menstrual disorders and I had a tumor removal operation from the uterus. The people around me marry, have children and work, and I am without change. However, I wish them happiness and success..isn't that oppression..isn't that a derogation from my rights...I have rights and I have the right to live my life as I want..Voice Inside me in my mind screaming at the top of his voice, run away.. run now and never come back again, and p Despite my fatigue, I jump out of bed, get dressed, and go out into the street, not knowing where to go?! I am looking for a job, a grant or funding to escape and I have filled out hundreds of forms and sent hundreds of emails and even reached more than two thousand jobs without a response, what life is this!! Despite all the skills that I possess and my confidence in my ability to accomplish, I see some people who do not possess even the slightest skills required and despite that they work. I tell myself that perhaps God’s livelihood distributes it as He wills, then I smell foul odors that suffocate the nose and I find the smell of corruption, With every attempt to start a new business or project, crises are renewed. However, I find myself saying, Alhamdulillah, better than many people who suffer in silence.