Gone to Soon ...

To my Audience of One

Long Post .

Happy Heavenly Fathers Day Mr Fathers and all the dads and husbands you made dads , of my World Pulse sisters .

I am the seed of a lion .

I posted a photo on my TikTok page with the song gone to soon and someone left a comment saying ...what do you mean , gone too soon , how long you wanted him to live ...steups .....

I responded by telling the person , there was no need to be unkind as they were not aware of the circumstances behind my sentiment.

Not to discredit my Dad in anyway , he did his best , maybe his heart was in the right place but his delivery fell far from perfect

I have every reason to use that expression. I am big on family , and although I grew up in a two parent household my father was there but not there , a strict authoritarian, we called him the jail keeper, he ruled the household like it was a military camp , and while my siblings feared him, I questioned his judgements,respectly .To most Mr Greenidge was a man of stature , well spoken , educated and very well respected. A man of wisdom and eloquence ..he was well liked and could hold court with anyone . He stood his ground on things he believed in , so he rubbed a few people the wrong way ..But to us his children who lived with him , he was a beast , he never smiled , that scawl on his face was a constant fixture , we saw an abuser , the only time laughter erupted from his mouth was when persons he considered friends dropped by , the only time he spoke to you was when he would shout insults at you for something you did , the only time we connected with him was when the belt connected from his hand to our backs . But he was a hard worker, very creative, ambitious , a businessman and a good provider . He took us to school and picked us up most days , he took us to church with at a lil scanturary his father owned in Tunapuna , he preached and praised his God with antics we found funny , while we waited for this shenanigans to be over so we could get treats and bond with our cousins .

But as a child I longed to see the gentleness and love I saw expressed by my friends dads , I longed for a conversation and moments of laughter from him. And I tried , even as a child I tried , I would go to him and ask for help with my school projects , I would try to get his opinion on something just to hear him speak to make him feel important,because he could talk , he had stories , experiences, and opinions he was happy to share .I approached him when my siblings were scared to do so, so we had a kinda unspoken understanding.

In a strange way he showed care , in his own way , he allowed us to present him with gifts on father's day , though he would let his guard down temporarily. He attened PTA meetings more so to exercise leadership and get favors for the school from persons in positions he knew . I saw him literally cry tears when my brother fell and went unconscious for a few minutes..I felt it was care .. I saw him cry when I fell and busted out all my front teeth while playing gymnastics on their bed got up with blood spewing all over as he walked into the door .. my mom taught it was rage ..but I saw that look in his eyes , it was pain.

He held back on a lot of things not because he couldnt afford it , but because we as children were nt privy to the drama adults had between them .

Like him never completing our home until my mom parted ways with him , although he had traveled to different parts of the world and even held court with the pope .

When he was away, were our happiest times and we werent excited about his return but would bring us something and his stories and photos about the places he had been ,planted a seed in me to see the world as much as I can .

So I never really got to know my father and when at around age 78 as an adult I went to live at his home to care for him , we wrestled through egos to have some kinda relationship, but I was there for him and I saw a softer side as he allowed my children to play with his hair or laugh when they did something silly , he even brought them lil treats , we talked long as he shared his history , his up bringing a lot about himself , he was an only child of well to do parents and spoilt , and I began to understand a little about he was , this was a broken soul fighting behind a steel facade he built himself . I got to know him too late , our best conversation s , me sitting near him or hugging him laughing with him came in his last year's,in my visits to the hospital or while waiting on an ambulance to take gim there , or at the nursing home where he spent his last days , he was wrestling with so much he needed professional care , and by then my visits there werent always pleasant as some days he threw tantrums no recollection of who I was .

My eldest sister who lives in the US , never had that opportunity, one she longed for but has gotten some semblance of who he is through our stories of him , her childen never met grandpa .And my other sisters have the worst memories of his as his physical abuse , some of which I saw are not memories they desire to revisit .

Loving this man is hard and its only God that truly allows forgiveness

He passed away on the 19th of June 2006 at a nursing home in Santa Cruz

Its said he got permission to preach his last sermon to the staff and fellow inmates , at the home and he sought forgiveness of persons not present whom he named , and made his final surrender and peace to God

And on a sunny Saturday the 19th of June that year while I spoke of my plans to visit him that Fathers Day , with my last customer that evening, telling her that I would cook his favorite meal provision and salted fish and get him Ice Cream , the call came that he had gone to meet his maker in that very moment .

And that broke me ..it left a hole in my heart ...I screamed ..you could have waited , you could have waited .

They asked me to come see him before the hearse took him out , and my son and I hurried down..he laid there , except for his body being cold , he looked his most peaceful, years younger , his melanin skin flawless , stomach flat and I knew he had truly found his peace .

So yes for a long time I wrestled with that feeling that he had gone just a little too soon .