Crashed and Exhausted (Finding Me)

From that strong vibrant, resilient,focused and determined young girl to a lady lost and without zeal.

I know my story isn't new but I also know that people have different threshold as to how they absorb pain and react to situations. The pandemic hit bad and it hit people differently that I know and some persons haven't been able to get back on their feet. The pandemic for me was just like a whirlwind sent particularly to my direction to unleash it's strength. I was barely six months into a job that would have made life easier. A job that was suppose to compensate for all my struggles in seven years building a career. But alas the pandemic whisked it away from me. This whole thing got me thinking... I think my life has been towed towards a particular trend, hovering in circles, one step forward and two steps backwards.Sometimes it seems like I have to put in thrice an effort into something to achieve a result.The same thing others would do and it appear seamless without much struggling.

Since my graduation from the University since 2006 till this moment, it's been a struggle.  In and out of jobs, one venture to another, chasing dreams , start up business etc yet nothing concrete to show forth the effort.Yes I know "effort doesn't equate impact" and life they say is filled with high and low moments... but what happens to efforts being rewarded?

To my amazement, despite all the knock down, I have never stopped dreaming , evening though most times I wake up only to wish never to wake up to reality and life's unfairness. I have always believed I was created on purpose and for a purpose to change the world but how can I achieve this when I can't even say yes to my truth and I am unsure of what I have left inside of me.The irony of it all is that I have met people who rely on my strength to get through but alas here I am struggling with my past when loads of people have caught a glimpse of my future and what I can become 

2023 is appearing different,I guess because the big 40 is right in front of me in a couple of months. The feeling is mixed, it's filled with anxiety, excitement and hope.

"I guess I believe the fourth floor will do me good and be rewarding to me"

Yes I know everything in life is playing a role in shaping me. I have been moulded , re-moulded and reshaped but I lack the zeal and the spark is out.

I found this community interesting and I had the conviction that this is where I need to be at this moment that I need a transition.

Sobi Whyte ✍️